Sex after children: The truth of the matter

sex after children
Sex after children, the truths and realities from both sides of the fence and how to get that spark back in your relationship.

More marriages breakdown in the first 18 months after a child is born, than at any other time. It’s safe to say that sex after children or the lack of it puts extreme pressure on even the strongest of relationships. This causes relationship stress for both mums and dads!

The problem often occurs before the baby is born, during pregnancy! Couples experience a kind of euphoria and extreme closeness as they pick out nursery colours and baby names. As a couple, you fall into the belief that you’ll parent as equals and are going on this journey together. How wrong could we have been?

Birth and beyond- sex after children

The stress and chaos of birth have subsided. Both parties are on very different paths. Women are embracing being a mother. We feel that our sole purpose on this earth is to love and protect that tiny bundle that we birthed. Men are expected to provide financial and emotional support. Now, this may be harder than our men think. Fathers are the caring birth partners during antenatal. But they are unprepared for their postnatal role.

In their new role, many men are in unfamiliar territory. With huge concern about where they fit into this new family dynamic. Concerns about their partners’ lack of interest in them not only sexually but emotionally arise and this is when relationships start to break down.

Postnatal Blur…

In this postnatal blur of changing nappies, 3 hourly feeds (if you’re lucky) and sleep or the extreme lack of it, as you can imagine sex is something that for us women can take a backseat. But for a man who is no longer the center of his lovers’ life, it’s a harsh reality check!

As women, we put our children not only first but second and third and the men in our lives come a poor fourth. This is not a reflection on our wonderful long-suffering partners but more to do with a change in priorities. We mums get everything that we need from our new baby and this heightens our disinterest in sex and quickly becomes a metaphor for our disinterest in him.

How we see ourselves

Sex is complicated after children. Apart from the sheer exhaustion that we feel as new mothers, the fact our bodies no longer look or feel like they belong to us, those few extra pounds make us really self-conscious and this makes us feel anything but sexy!

All of this coupled with our overwhelming need to be the perfect mother. Never asking for help, as we see this as a weakness and pure exhaustion. Sex drive plummets to all-time lows!!

Protecting our sex lives!

Our little ones can easily suck the life out of our sex lives. It’s quite ironic when that exact act is what got them here. As parents, we need to protect our sex lives and that intimate couple time we long for.

Before their birth sex was spontaneous, exciting and plentiful. Now, it’s like booking an appointment to get your car serviced. Like that, it only happens once a year! Do not despair this is not how it has to be!

Sex after children

In order to protect this most sacred couple time, we must put some simple things in place. Ask for help, schedule a baby sitter even if it’s only once a month. Talk about anything but your children when it is just the two of you. Remember you used to talk about the news, work, friends, etc!

This is not just about sex but reconnecting with your partner, we need to stay tuned in to them so that we can take the opportunity to be intimate when it arises! But most of all we must remember that we love each other and this is the reason we want to have sex in the first place!

Comments
  • This is a pretty important topic! I think we feel ashamed of ourselves and less sexy after birth. Then the pressure of getting back into the saddle is overwhelming. Enjoyed reading this point of view on the topic!

    • It really is and it’s not an easy one to talk about. The new body, lack of sleep, exhaustion (mental and physical) all make it so difficult. But we have to keep trying to find time for each other. Easier said than done I guess…

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